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@W@ JABBERWOCKY!!!!!!! YES diaryarena

tropigalia August 11 2014, 20:20

No subject

Martin and I accidentally had A Talk the other night. He told me he knew that I get lonely and that he understood if I wanted to do things with other people but he didn't want details-- I hadn't asked him for that or brought it up. I just wasn't sure how things would go this time. I asked him why he didn't want to do the same and he said because he has more stability. "I know there's a big chance you could find someone else and that's fine. But if you don't, I love it. This isn't some magical thing. We chose to put the work into loving each other."

I loved him even more for saying that and acknowledging that but often it does feel magical. It feels like actual honest to god magic that someone could be that kind, that understanding, that loving. But calling it magic does take away the fact that he works so fucking hard to be good to me, in a way that no one else has ever been willing to do.



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And I won't call what I did in England last time a mistake anymore because I loved him, and we went places together, and I learned from him, and I learned a lot from being with him. I feel perpetually embarrassed that I chose another person who didn't actually like or respect me but you know. WHOOPS. I wouldn't be me if I didn't make myself vulnerable all the time, and I am ultimately better for it. I can say that now. Ask me again in a few months.

My friend Roxy is an open relationship since her boyfriend moved across the country and she goes on tons of dates. I want to learn how to make just actual fucking friends, though, and go out with friends. And travel with friends. And I want Martin to visit me because we've never traveled together and I can finally show my friends that I am not eternally just picking people who feel contempt for me.

I hate that we'll have to articulate boundaries but I think we'll need to.

Big list of things I need to do:
-Steam and box up tons of clothes and request a PurpleHeart pickup
-Find a fucking room/apartment.
-Learn Makaton and BSL
-Read my textbook
-Start doing phonology reading
-Call Barclay's and try to get back into my UK account since it's still open
-Quit my job :)
tropigalia August 7 2014, 03:27

No subject

my aunt and uncle took me out to a wonderful italian restaurant tonight.

this is happening, and if i don't parlay it into a master's and a career and a life's work then i have squandered this love i am so lucky to have.
tropigalia August 5 2014, 05:28

No subject

sometimes i google him to make sure he's not dead. i don't find anything and i feel relieved but still worried.
sometimes i want to reach out to him but i know reaching out to him doesn't work. the contention is immediate. no matter how genuine my concern he is immediately defensive. he wants anyone to care about him but refuses to just soak it up and let it heal him. he has to fight it. i had to stop.

i don't know why i still want to save him sometimes. in an abstract way i want to know redemption exists. i don't need to love him anymore to want him not to hurt.

i still don't know if i'm going, even though i put a deposit on my tuition, i have my visa, and i even bought my plane ticket. i was at work from 10:15AM to 10:30PM on sunday. i realized i've been back for a year and a half and barely seen my friends or family because i am always working on the weekends. it hurts. it's the worst. it's thankless. i work that much and i'm still completely broke.

i'm very lucky. i wish that meant i were happy. 

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